Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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