I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
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trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
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Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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