Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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