fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
