i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Terrible idea I love it
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
