im drinking this country out of the recession.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
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you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
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He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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