dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Also, beer. Big fan.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
