Taylor Swift is so right about you.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
