if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
