I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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