im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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