i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
either way he was missing a nipple.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
