ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
organizing the empties. That sober.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
