I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
