as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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