i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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