I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
