I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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