I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
