As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
