I accidentally had phone sex last night
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
