i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
