god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
