You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
