see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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