did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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