Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Randomize
