nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
