Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
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We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
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we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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