she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
You ruined the universe
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
