are you so shy because you have an std?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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