dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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