Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
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She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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