I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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