I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
