I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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