Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
