Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
