I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
