just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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