your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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