I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
