Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
