hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
