two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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