saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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