I'm jealous of your bromance
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Randomize
