I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
