Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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