The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
