My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
