she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Randomize
