"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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