I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
