if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
