I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
