i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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