I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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