i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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