i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
