I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
