Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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