the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
